The Manly Adventures of Manlisle (Repost)
by Lalonde
Summary: Follow the manly antics of Manlisle as he rips trees apart with his bare hands, saves the world from his womanly foes and wears the pants in his relationship with his adorable uke, China. Rated M for manliness.
1. Good Man

**Repost!author's note: So I'm reposting this... thing on my crackfic account. I wrote this about a year ago when fanfiction was just a silly thing I did to amuse my friends instead of a real hobby, and I deleted it from my real account when I got into writing serious stories.**

**Anyway, it's back. Be warned, as this fic is crack and contains copious amounts of manliness, deliberate out-of-characterness, and the worst, most inaccurate sex scene that I can remember writing.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Author's note: this is dedicated to my brilliant friend FilleMortician. (Whether having this sort of thing dedicated to you is a good thing or not is really a matter of opinion…) Anyway, this fic is crazy crossover crack, and is rated M for Manliness and also for profanity and Manlisle's sensual escapades with China which will occur in later chapters. Certain characters are _severely_ OOC. Everyone else is just mildly OOC.

Just so you're clear on who the characters are, here's a handy dandy list of who is who:

Manlisle = Manly!Carlisle

Mansper = Manly!Jasper

Femward = Feminine!Edward

* * *

Manlisle sighed as the chainsaw that he was using to saw through a massive tree trunk spluttered and stopped working.

"It's probably intimidated by my sexy buff manliness," said Manlisle, "and it refuses to keep working because I'm so much more manly that it."

"I think it actually ran out of fuel," said Manlisle's not-quite-as-manly-but-still-pretty-manly son Mansper.

"Chainsaws do not run on fuel, Mansper. They run on the manly pheromones that I exude from my buff manly body," said Manlisle.

"I'm pretty sure that's not how chainsaws work at all," said Mansper.

"Maybe it's not how silly little girly chainsaws work, but it's how mansaws such as my enormous mansaw work!" said Manlisle.

"When you say _enormous mansaw_ it gives me really bad mental images, dad. But no, let me go grab some oil so you can continue felling this pathetic tree that is no match for your manliness," said Mansper, grabbing the can of oil, only to find that it was empty.

"It's empty!" Mansper stated, for unlike you, the reader, Manlisle didn't have a helpful narrator to tell him that it was empty.

"Oh no! How will I ever chop down this tree without my humongous mansaw?" asked Manlisle.

"Stop saying things like that, you know that I have a very dirty mind and misinterpret innocent comments about your humongous mansaw," said Mansper.

"Shut the fuck up, Mansper! While you were whining like a weak womanly warthog, I was coming up with a solution to this very unmanly problem using my mantelligence," said Manlisle.

"Yes? And what is this said solution, mandaddy?" asked Mansper.

"I WILL HAVE TO USE MY MANSTRENGTH!" said Manlisle.

"Not your manstrength! You need to conserve that for sexually satisfying your uke during mansex!" said Mansper.

"Fool! I have enough manstrength for mansex _and_ manly tree chopping!" said Manlisle.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Mansper, not willing to believe that such manstrength could exist inside one man, even a manly man like his mandaddy Manlisle.

"YEEEEEEEEEESSSSSS!" cried Manlisle, grabbing the massive tree trunk with his muscular arms and splitting it in half down the middle, ending its days as a remarkable piece of nature — but Manlisle was not yet finished with this pathetic unmanly tree, oh no. He ripped both halves of the tree out of the ground and smashed them together — a move that would have drained the manstrength of a lesser man, but Manlisle was certainly not a lesser man. He pounded the terrible tree-halves together until they were reduced to sawdust that gently snowed down upon Manlisle and Mansper like confetti.

"WHOOOAAAAA!" cried Mansper, in awe of Manlisle's impressive manstrength.

"I believe I have sufficiently taught that bitch tree not to mess with a manly man such as myself!" said Manlisle, taking off his sawdust-covered shirt to reveal his muscular manly chest.

"Wait a second," said Mansper, "weren't you chopping that tree down so you could use it as firewood? Now you've gone and turned it to dust which sort of defeats the purpose."

"NO MANSPER, YOU FOOL! Well, actually I was planning on using that tree for firewood, so YES MANSPER, YOU FOOL! But that wasn't my only purpose in felling that tree. I'm actually going to clear a clearing in the woods which will serve as an arena for manfights!" said Manlisle.

"What are manfights? We use so many manwords that I'm starting to get manfused to what we're talking about half the time," said Mansper.

"LOOK IT UP IN THE MANTIONARY, YOU LITTLE WHORE! It's right between manfigs and manfucking!" hollered Manlisle.

Mansper grabbed the mantionary out of Manlisle's manbag and flipped to page 187.

"Manfig. Noun. Just like regular figs, but extra manly. Wait, that's the wrong entry… ah, here it is. Manfight. Noun. A fight of manliness between two or more manly men. Verb. The act of fighting while simultaneously being a manly man. Manfucking. Noun. When… actually, no, I don't want to know about manfucking," said Mansper.

"It's quite similar to mansex, but the difference is—"

"I TOLD YOU I DON'T WANT TO KNOW, MANFATHER!" said Mansper. It was true; Mansper most certainly did not want to know about the sort of things that Manlisle got up to when Mansper wasn't around. He was pretty sure that most of those things were too erotic to have entries in the mantionary.

"Okay, Mansper. You don't need to know what you're missing out on. But now I'm covered in sawdust, which is most troubling. I will have to take the rest of my manclothes off and wash myself clean in the river. Care to join me, son?" asked Manlisle.

"No, I think I might just go home and take a nice hot shower," said Mansper.

"Is that because you're too wimpy to go in the cold water, or because you're embarrassed about being naked next to a buff manly man such as myself because you could never compare to my manly buffness?" asked Manlisle.

"Um… neither, actually," said Mansper.

"If you say so. Auf wiedersehen, Mansper!" said Manlisle.

"What did you just say?" asked Mansper.

"Auf wiedersehen. It's German for goodbye. German is a much manlier language than English. Anything you say in German, you say with manly anger! ICH LIEBE DICH, MEIN SOHN! See, that sounded like an offensive manly insult, but I was actually just telling you that I love you," said Manlisle.

"Awww, I love you too, dad," said Mansper.

"DON'T SAY IT IN ENGLISH! It makes you sound like a pussy," said Manlisle.

"Righto. I'll be leaving now," said Mansper.

"Do svidaniya!" exclaimed Manlisle.

"More German?" asked Mansper.

"No, that was Russian. Russian is also a very manly language," said Manlisle.

"Okay. Au revoir, Manlisle!" said Mansper.

"FRENCH IS NOT A MANLY LANGUAGE AT ALL!" screamed Manlisle, hitting Mansper around the head with the empty can of oil.

"AAAAAAH! But French is sexy!" said Mansper.

"IT MAY BE SEXY, BUT IT'S NOT _MANSEXY_!" yelled Manlisle.

"Ahhhhh! Okay! I'm going now!" said Mansper, running away.

Once Mansper was gone, Manlisle stripped down to his undies, which were actually a pair of rather unmanly pink frilly panties.

"REAL MEN WEAR PINK FRILLY PANTIES!" roared Manlisle, as if he had just heard an omnipresent narrator insulting his pink frilly panties. Which he hadn't, of course. That would just be silly.

Manlisle, now sick of the sawdust in his hair and all over his body, jumped into the freezing cold river, and began washing the sawdust off his manly figure. If someone had been watching they would have seen the cool, clear water dripping sensually from Manlisle's manly chest. In actual fact, somebody _was_ watching. On the branch of a nearby tree sat a small bird, but it wasn't just any small bird — in fact, it wasn't a bird at all, but a videocamera skilfully disguised as a bird. Far away in his underground lair, Femward was watching the live video feed from the bird-camera, envious of Manlisle's sexy body and fabulous pink panties.

"I would like panties like those," said Femward, "AND I SHALL HAVE THEM TOO! I SHALL HAVE THEM WHEN MY WONDERFULLY FEMININE WOMANLY PLAN IS COMPLETE!"

"You're not actually a woman, though," said Femward's sister, Alice, who was tied to a chair nearby, as Femward had kidnapped her for the sake of his nefarious plan.

"SHUT UP, ALICE! I know that I'm not a woman. You don't have to be a woman to be feminine and womanly, you know," said Femward.

"Can you untie me? I promise I won't try to escape again," said Alice.

"NO I CANNOT! Why? BECAUSE ONLY A STUPID PRISONER WOULDN'T TRY TO ESCAPE, AND YOU, SISTER, ARE NOT STUPID!" shrieked Femward.

"Owww, my ears! See, if you'd at least free my arms I'd be able to cover my ears when you start screaming like a girl," said Alice.

"I LIKE SCREAMING LIKE I GIRL! AND I'LL SCREAM LIKE A GIRL ALL I WANT WHEN MY PLAN IS PUT INTO ACTION!" said Femward.

"Yes, yes, your plan. You keep mentioning that but you never explain what it is. Since I haven't had any visions about it, I can't figure out what it is myself either, so it's kind of worrying," said Alice.

"Yes, well… YOU WILL FIND OUT IN DUE TIME, DEAR SISTER! YOU WILL FIND OUT… WHEN THE PLAN IS PUT INTO ACTION! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" laughed Femward. Alice just shook her head and hoped that she'd be able to escape and warn Manlisle, Mansper and everyone else that Femward had a devious plan — although what the plan consisted of, she had no idea.


	2. Nothing Man

Author's note: Since I _do_ have this listed as a Twilight/Hetalia crossover, and also because I mentioned him in the summary, China is going to appear in this chapter. However, this being a Manfic, he's just as out of character as everyone else is, but in a completely different way from Manlisle.

* * *

When Manlisle returned home to the mancave — which was what he had dubbed his house, even though it wasn't particularly manly — he was very cold and very wet, having swum all the way home. The river didn't quite reach his house, but a small obstacle like that didn't phase Manlisle — he simply used his manstrength to dig a ditch all the way to his front door for the river water to flow through. Now inside, he dried himself off with a coat that somebody had left by the door, and waltzed into the kitchen like he owned the place. Which he did, because it's his house. On the kitchen bench was a plate of mooncakes, delicious delicious mooncakes, which even a manly vampire like Manlisle, who can't digest human food, felt the compulsive need to eat. And so he did — throwing caution to the wind as he shoved mooncake after mooncake into his manly mouth hole and savouring the deliciousness before swallowing them down into his manly stomach.

"Nihao~aru," came a voice from behind him, and Manlisle momentarily stopped shoving mooncakes into his mouth to turn around and come face to face with his far-less-manly uke, China, who was wearing a sexy red qipao.

"He'yo China, I'n jus' ea'ing dese de'ishus mancakes dat shum'un lef' on d' bench," said Manlisle. Although it sounded like he had developed a strange accent, his mouth actually just happened to be full of delicious half-chewed mooncakes.

He swallowed the said mooncakes, sending them off on their merry way down his manthroat into his manstomach, and wrapped his arms around China, kissing his lover's pretty little mouth with his own manly manlips. Meanwhile, Manlisle's manhand stroked China's exposed leg, eventually finding its way under the fabric of the qipao to manhandle his lover's unclothed thigh. China pressed his petite body against Manlisle's manly one, moaning softly in his own language. Manlisle's hand travelled across China's soft, pale skin, manhandling and manfondling as it went. China wrapped his slim leg around Manlisle's muscular waist, and Manlisle gently pushed his lover onto the dining room table, continuing to kiss and grope him as he did so.

"THIS IS NOT APPROPRIATE VIEWING!" shrieked Femward, who was watching all of this on a live video feed in his underground lair.

"Well, you were the one who set up all of the hidden cameras, knowing very well that Manlisle likes to have mansex all over the house," commented Alice.

"STILL. THIS IS NOT APPROPRIATE VIEWING AND OFFENDS MY DELICATE SENSIBILITIES!" said Femward.

"Well turn it off, you bloody moron!" said Alice.

Femward pushed a button, and the image of Manlisle straddling China on top of the table disappeared from the screen.

"Thankyou," said Alice, "now, can you please explain your plan? Usually I would have had a vision about it by now, and it's really bothering me not knowing what's going to happen."

"I'm afraid I cannot do that, but I can tell you why you are here," said Femward, adjusting his pink woolly sweater as he spoke.

"Well, some information if better than none. Go ahead," said Alice.

"WELL, DEAR SISTER, YOU ARE HERE BECAUSE OF YOUR POWERS! YOUR POWERS MAKE YOU SPECIAL AND UNIQUE, AND DON'T LET ANYONE EVER TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE NOT!" cried Femward.

"I don't quite understand what you're talking about," said Alice.

"Your psychic abilities mean that you a very dangerous to my plan! AND MY PLAN CANNOT BE FOILED, DEAR SISTER, AS YOU WILL LEARN!" said Femward.

"Are you actually going to do any explaining at all, or are you just going to yell loudly about how great your plan is while not telling me what it's about?" asked Alice.

"HUSH, YOU! I'm getting there. The thing is, even though you haven't yet, you might end up having a vision about my plan at some point in the future. Now, if you're out there in the world, hanging out with Mansper and Manlisle, you could tell them what you predicted, and they could try and thwart my plan! But if I have you here, tied to a chair in my lair, even if you do find out about my plan, you will be powerless to stop it! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" cried Femward.

"That actually makes a great deal of sense," said Alice.

"It does! IT DOES, DEAR SISTER! JUST LIKE MY PLAN, MUAHAHAHAHA! MY PLAN, MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" shrieked Femward.

* * *

Later that evening, as Manlisle carried his exhausted lover up the stairs to the bedroom, he noticed that the coat he had dried himself off with was now hanging on the banister — perhaps China has moved it from the floor where Manlisle had dumped it, or perhaps it had just moved by itself, as inanimate objects often do — and he promptly noticed something else about the coat: it was _Esme's_.

"CHINA!" Manlisle roared, startling China, who had up until that point been half asleep.

"Mmmm?"

"WHAT IS HER COAT DOING THERE?" asked Manlisle, not even daring to say her name for fear of the memories that it would bring back.

"It was in the hall closet~aru, but I moved it to the coat rack when I was trying to find something else in that closet. Then when you came home you knocked it onto the floor somehow, and I picked it up and put it on the banister," said China.

"But," Manlisle said, a manly tear rolling down his cheek, "it was hers!"

"You know, Carlisle~aru," began China.

"My name is Manlisle, not Carlisle," said Manlisle.

"Fine, _Manlisle_, you can't just hide all of her things away and pretend she didn't exist~aru," said China.

"You can't expect me to… after what happened, you can't… YOU'RE MAKIN' ME CRY, CHINA, AND IT'S NOT VERY MANLY!" said Manlisle.

"Carlisle—"

"MANLISE!"

"—you're become obsessed with your own masculinity, and it's not healthy~aru," said China.

"Have not!" said Manlisle.

"_You changed your name to Manlisle_. I think it's safe to say that yes, you are obsessed with your own manliness~aru," said China.

"Yeah, well _you_ changed _your_ name to the People's Republic of China in 1949. Ooh, snap!" said Carlisle.

"That was a completely different situation. You, on the other hand, named yourself Manlisle, you call your son Mansper and you butcher half of your words so they have _man_ somewhere in them~aru!" said China.

"Hey, I don't do that much around you, since you refuse to keep a copy of the mantionary on you at all times so you don't understand what I'm saying," said Manlisle.

"Look, I don't want a repeat of our last argument about the mantionary — which, by the way, is ridiculous~aru — but your masculinity fetish is tearing you apart! You can't even bear to cry, even though sometimes I think you really need to~aru!" said China.

"Yeah, well, you would say that, since you're the uke. But a manly Manlisle such as myself cannot do something as unmanly as that!" said Manlisle.

"If a manly Manlisle like yourself can wear pink frilly underwear, I'm pretty sure that it's okay for you to cry," said China.

"Even if it was okay for a man — ahem, a man-who-is-not-the-uke — to cry, why would I do it? I have no reason to cry! None at all! Most certainly not reasons pertaining to a beautiful woman named Esme who I may or may not still be in love with!" said Manlisle.

"Oh, Carlisle," China sighed.

"It's Manlisle!" said Manlisle, bounding up the stairs with China in his arms, "and Manlisle is in the mood for more mansex!"


	3. Plastic Man

Manlisle put down the extremely manly book that he was reading and looked at the clock, only to find that he was late for work.

"CHINA!" yelled Manlisle.

"WHAT~ARU?" asked China, who had been asleep until that point.

"I'M LATE FOR MY JOB AS A MANDOCTOR!" yelled Manlisle.

"Well, get out of bed and get going, then! There's no need to be so loud about, some of us _aren't_ vampires and actually need to sleep — and due to your stamina when it comes to sex—"

"—MANSEX!"

"—I really do not get enough sleep," said China.

"Fine. I will go and be a manly mandoctor and leave you to your womanly sleeping," said Manlisle, softly kissing China on the forehead before putting on some pants and a tie — but no shirt, because sexy manchests like Manlisle's do not need to be clothed — and departing.

When he reached the hospital, he found that many emergencies had arisen that needed his manly mandoctor skills.

"Doctor Manlisle! This man poked himself in the eye while trying to pluck his eyebrows!"

"Doctor Manlisle! This woman lost her limbs in a freak lawnmower accident!"

"DOCTOR MANLISLE! THIS MAN STUBBED HIS TOE ON THE COFFEE TABLE!"

"Yes, yes, many people need my manskills as a mandoctor to solve their health problems. YOU THERE! Man who stubbed his toe! Yours is the greatest emergency! Tell me, do you want me to beat up the coffee table who did this to you?" asked Manlisle.

"No, I want you to kiss it and make it better," said the man.

"I ALREADY HAVE A UKE! AND BEATING UP A COFFEE TABLE IS OF COURSE THE MANLIER OPTION, SO I WILL DO THAT! WHERE IS THE TABLE THAT DID THIS TO YOU?" asked Manlisle.

"At my house," said the man.

"TO MY HOUSE!" said Manlisle, rushing off in the direction of his own house.

When he got there, he headed straight for the living room, where he began pulverizing the coffee table. He had reduced it to a fine powder when something hit him in the back of the head. Being a manly man, he was not harmed by this blow to the head, and he turned around to find that the culprit was—

"—China?"

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING~ARU?" asked China.

"Smashing up the coffee table.

"You're meant to be at work! And I'm meant to be asleep, which is impossible when you're smashing things up~aru!" said China.

"Do not be ordering me around, uke! I am a manly man and I take orders from nobody!" said Manlisle. "Although, now that I think about it, smashing my own table up because a different table injured some guy doesn't really make much sense."

"Exactly~aru," said China.

"Well, I'll be off now, goodb—wait, no," said Manlisle.

"What?" asked China.

"While I'm home, I think it's the perfect time for mansex!" said Manlisle.

He expected China to refuse and tell him to go back to work and let him sleep, and so he was surprised when China nodded and smiled the ridiculously cute smile that always made Manlisle's manheart soar like a maneagle.

"Okay~aru," China said, laying down on the sofa, "but only if afterwards you go back to work and stay there until the end of the day."

Eventually, Manlisle returned to the hospital, and China finally got to catch up on some much needed sleep. However, this sleep was shortlived, as before too long, Mansper knocked on the door.

"Hey, China," Mansper said when China opened the door, "dad's not here, is he?"

"No, he went back to the hospital~aru," said China.

"Oh, good, I need to talk to you. _Alone_," said Mansper.

"You do~aru?" asked China. He found it rather strange that Mansper suddenly wanted to talk to him, since they didn't really interact much.

"Yeah. Can I come in?" asked Mansper.

"Sure, even though there's no need to ask, since you do of live here, even though you're hardly ever home~aru," said China.

"I try to stay out of the way because Manlisle's so fond of having mansex all over the house," Mansper said as they walked inside, "actually, it's him I wanted to talk to you about."

"Sure~aru," China said as he sat down on the sofa, curling his legs up beneath him, "what exactly is it about Carlisle that you want to talk to me about?"

"He probably wouldn't appreciate you calling him Carlisle. If he were here, he'd be all _I'm a manly menly Manlisle now, uke_!" said Mansper.

"Yes, that does sound like him~aru," said China.

"Yeah, well, it really bugs me. He's, like, in love with his own manliness," said Mansper.

"Mmmm, I've noticed that too~aru," agreed China.

"And he wants me to do manly things just like him, but… he's so insanely manly that anything I do, he's so much better than me at it! I can't compete with that, and it's giving me an inferiority complex," said Mansper.

"Hmmmm, well… manliness isn't the only thing one can be good at~aru. I mean, I'm not really the most masculine-looking person out there, but I'm also the most populous country on the planet, one of the largest countries, and the biggest producer of rapeseed~aru!" said China.

"That's—wait, _rapeseed_?" asked Mansper.

"Yes, it's a plant often used for making vegetable oil, and my country is the number one producer of it~aru!" said China.

"But… but… _why would anyone name a plant that_?" asked Mansper.

"Don't ask me, I didn't name it~aru. But anyway, what I was going to say is that you need to find something that _you_ are good at, whether it's manly or not, and show Carlisle that you have talents too. Now, what's something you're good at~aru?" asked China.

"Well… I'm pretty good at knitting…" said Mansper.

"There you go! That's it~aru! Show him how much better at knitting you are than him!" said China.

"Do you really think that will work?" asked Mansper.

"Well, I can't promise anything~aru," said China, "but it's better than doing nothing!"

* * *

Meanwhile, back at the hospital, Manlisle was tending to a woman who had lost her limbs in a freak lawnmower accident.

"Do you want me to beat up the lawnmower who did this to you?" asked Manlisle.

"No, I want you to stop the bleeding so I don't die of blood loss," said the woman.

"I can do something even better!" said Manlisle. With that, he raced down to the morgue where he grabbed a random dead body and brought it up to the emergency room.

"I don't see how a dead guy is going to help me," said the woman.

"In a moment you will," said Manlisle, as he carefully removing the corpse's limbs with his scalpel.

"What the heck are you doing?" asked the woman.

"I told you, you'll see," said Manlisle. Once he had removed the body's limbs, he began sewing them onto the woman.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU NUTJOB?" asked the woman, but due to her limblessness, she was unable to stop him. Once Manlisle had finished sewing the limbs onto the woman's body, a curious thing happened: she was able to move them.

"What… what on earth? I can move these arms and legs even though they're not mine!" cried the woman, puzzled as to how on earth that had happened.

"You know, random lady, let me tell you something about manliness—"

"These arms! These arms are manly! They're ridiculously hairy. Why didn't you give me woman arms?" asked the woman.

"SHUT UP, I AM EDUCATING YOU ABOUT MANLINESS! Sometimes, manliness isn't being strong or doing dangerous things or having a sexy buff muscular masculine manly body like mine. Sometimes, manliness is about doing the right thing. Sometimes manliness is helping people. Sometimes manliness is sewing a dead body's arms and legs onto a limbless woman, even though medical science tells you that that won't help her, because deep down in your heart, you know it will," said Manlisle.

* * *

Author's note: Fear not, for Manlisle's wise words about manliness being about doing the right thing and helping people don't mean that we've seen the last of the buff sexy macho strengthy _interesting_ sort of manliness.


	4. Solitary Man

It was early in the morning, and Manlisle was having a manly shower for the purpose of washing his manly body and ridding himself of any womanly grime that had attached itself to him since he had washed himself in the lake two days ago.

"Hey, Jasper just called~aru," said China, walking into the bathroom, "and he said that there's a knitting competition in town today."

"So? A manly Manlisle like me cares not for knitting!" said Manlisle, getting out of the shower and attempting to give China a manhug.

"Hey, stop that, you're getting me qipao wet~aru," said China, grabbing a towel and attempting to dry Manlisle before he could further dampen his clothing.

"So why did Mansper call to tell you about a knitting competition? Did he think that you wanted to enter it because you're such an unmanly uke?" asked Manlisle.

"No, he actually wanted us to come and watch the competition because he's one of the contestants~aru," said China.

"Hmmmm, I don't know. Knitting seems like a rather womanly hobby," said Manlisle.

"I'm going to watch even if you're not, but I really think you should come~aru!" said China.

"Well, supporting my son in all of his endeavours would be the manly thing to do, so I guess I'll go with you… on one condition," said Manlisle.

"And what would that condition be~aru?" asked China.

"The condition is," said Manlisle, pressing his buff body against China's slim one, "that you let me manfuck you right here on the bathroom floor."

China smiled and softly ran his hand over Manlisle's impressive chest.

"That sounds fair~aru," he said.

* * *

Meanwhile, Femward was donning some rather strange clothes.

"What the hell are you wearing?" asked Alice.

"Do you like it? I'm going to a Harry Potter convention tomorrow, and this is my Dolores Umbridge costume. IT'S SPECTACULAR, IS IT NOT?" asked Femward.

"Um… it's very interesting," said Alice, "so, are you taking me to the convention with you?"

"NO, DEAR SISTER! YOU MUST STAY HERE!" shrieked Femward.

"Okay," said Alice, an escape plan already beginning to form in her mind.

* * *

Manlisle's bathroom floor manfucking took a great deal longer than expected, and by the time he and China arrived at the auditorium where the knitting competition was to be held, the judging had already begun.

"In third place is Frederick Twombly and his trendy knitted leg warmers!" announced the judge, and a young man came up onto the stage to collect his prize.

"In second place is Mrs Mauricia Wagglefudders and this sexy woollen thong!" announced the judge, and an elderly woman came up onto the stage to collect her prize.

"And in first place, the winner of the Golden Needles Cup, is… JASPER HALE, AND HIS COMFY SWEATER!" cried the judge, and Mansper excitedly went up to get his trophy.

"WAIT!" cried Manlisle.

"Carlisle, what are you doing~aru?" hissed China, not wanting Manlisle to do anything stupid.

"I TOO CAN KNIT!" yelled Manlisle.

"Let me consult the rule book to see if late entries can be made to the competition," said the judge, grabbing a ridiculously large rulebook — even larger than the mantionary — and looking through it.

"Since when can you knit?" Mansper asked.

"Since now. Watch!" said Manlisle, bounding down to the stage. He removed the golden knitting needle ornaments from the trophy and using them to cut open his arm.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" asked Mansper.

"Knitting!" Manlisle said gleefully, grabbing one of his veins and beginning to knit with it.

"DAD, THAT IS DISGUSTING!" cried Mansper.

"I AGREE~ARU!" came China's voice from amidst the audience.

"IT'S A SCARF!" Manlisle said, holding up the bloody, veiny scarf.

"I have perused the rule book, and it seems that late entries are allowed! And that, my friend, is a piece of art. AHEM! First place now goes to this man and his bloody scarf thing. Since it would be cruel to make Frederick and Mrs Wagglefudders give their prizes back, they get to keep them, and Jasper Hale is demoted to fourth place, and doesn't get anything for it!" said the judge.

"WHAT?" asked Mansper.

"That doesn't seem entirely fair~aru," said China.

"DAD, YOU ALWAYS DO THIS! Whenever I do anything, anything at all, you're always better at it than me! I try to do something unmanly that I think you wouldn't want to be good at, and you're still better than me at it! Well, I have had enough. I'm leaving, and you will never see me again!" said Jasper, storming out of the auditorium.

"WHAT? NOW I HAVE NO SON! WHAT AM I TO DO?" asked Manlisle.

"You should probably follow after him and apologize~aru," said China.

"Nah, he's real fast, I wouldn't be able to catch up to him. YOU THERE!" said Manlisle, pointing at Frederick, the young man who had gotten third place in the knitting competition.

"Me?" asked Frederick.

"WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" asked Manlisle.

"Frederick," said Frederick.

"FREDERICK IS THE WORST NAME! YOU ARE NOW NAMED MANFRED, AND YOU ARE NOW MY SON!" said Manlisle.

"Wh-what~aru? You can't just replace Jasper like that~aru!" said China.

"Yes I can, uke! I need a boy to raise as my own, so he can grow up big and strong and manly like me!" said Manlisle.

"I've always wanted a father!" cried Frederick, or rather Manfred.

"And I've always wanted a son! And I had three but they were all shit!" said Manlisle.

"Aiyaaa, I have a feeling this is going to end badly~aru," said China.


	5. Street Fighting Man

**Author's note**: sorry about the lack of updates yesterday, I actually went out into the world and did actual things, so I didn't have any time to write. Also, I've changed my plan for this slightly and it should end up being eleven chapters long instead of ten. Aside from that, everything shall continue as normal...

* * *

That evening, Manlisle brought Manfred back to the house for a manly dinner. However, China decided that he was going to go to bed instead of cooking for them, and so Manlisle just gave Manfred some uncooked rice to eat. Manlisle, on the other hand, ate nothing, for he was a vampire and was unable to digest human food.

"So, my manly son, what manly interests do you have?" asked Manlisle.

"Well, I like knitting, and sewing, and embroidery is fun too! Oh, and I love baking!" said Manfred.

"THOSE ARE NOT MANLY HOBBIES AT ALL! Tell me something _manly_ that you enjoy doing!" ordered Manlisle.

"Um… I like videogames…" said Manfred.

"THAT IS BETTER! Tell me, what is your favourite videogame?" asked Manlisle.

"I really like _The Sims 2_, and I think that'd be my favourite," said Manfred.

"Do you at least make your sims go in the swimming pool and then delete the ladder so they cannot escape?" asked Manlisle.

"No," confessed Manfred.

"BLASPHEMY! YOU ARE THE UNMANLIEST SON I HAVE EVER HAD, AND ONE OF MY OTHER SONS IS A CROSSDRESSING NINNY NAMED FEMWARD! YOU AND I ARE GOING ON A DANGEROUS JOURNEY TO GET YOU SOME MANLINESS!" yelled Manlisle, his manly eyes bulging out in rage.

"I'd rather stay here and finish my rice—"

"NO! YOU CAN EAT AS MUCH RICE AS YOU WANT WHEN WE ARE JOURNEYING ACROSS THE CONTINENTS SEARCHING FOR YOUR MANHOOD!" yelled Manlisle.

"Fine," said Manfred, shoving as much rice as he possibly could into his mouth and getting up from the table.

"Actually, you can finish your rice. If we're leaving on a treacherous manly journey, I should probably say goodbye to China first. And that goodbye will probably involve mansex," said Manlisle.

"Too much information," said Manfred.

"THERE CAN NEVER BE TOO MUCH INFORMATION ABOUT MY MANLY MANSEX WITH MY STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL UKE!" said Manlisle, rushing upstairs into the bedroom and jumping onto the bed, abruptly waking the sleeping China.

"What do you want now~aru?" asked China.

"Mansex," said Manlisle.

"I should have figured~aru, that's what you always want," said China.

"Yes, but this time it's special — _man special_ — because tonight I am leaving," said Manlisle.

"You're leaving me~aru?" China asked, a shocked expression on his face. "Why are you leaving me~aru? And why are you leaving when this is your house? Shouldn't you chuck me out~aru? Also why do you want to have sex with me if you're breaking up with me? This is all very confusing~aru."

"Huh? No, I'm not leaving you, I'm leaving Forks to go on a journey around the world and the hopes of finding Manfred's manliness, and when I return we can have lots and lots of mansex, which we will also do right now," said Manlisle.

"Oh," said China, "you had me worried there for a moment~aru."

"I would never leave you, my darling uke. I love you, and who else would have delicious delicious mansex with me?" asked Manlisle.

"Probably lots of people~aru, since you're very attractive," said China.

"But those people are not as beautiful as you, as secretly kinky as you or as good at making mooncakes as you! The bottom line is, they are not you! And now that I have fouled up my mouth with those womanly words of love, you must allowed to do manly things to you with this mouth to revert it to its original manly state!" said Manlisle.

"Fine, but be careful with that vampire mouth of yours. I still have a scar on my hip from the last time you bit me~aru," said China.

"I'm sorry, at that point I was more used to having a partner who is also a vampire and thus can spontaneously heal," said Manlisle, clapping a hand over his mouth when he realised what he had just said.

"You know~aru," China said, resting his head on Manlisle's muscled chest and looking up into his deep manly eyes, "I don't mind it if you talk about her."

"No. We are going to forget that I ever said that, and have sexy manly mansex as planned," said Manlisle, flipping China over and running his tongue down the scar on his lover's back.

* * *

"THIS IS MOST CERTAINLY NOT APPROPRIATE VIEWING FOR ANYONE!" yelled Femward, who had been watching the proceedings on his evil screen.

"Well turn it off," said Alice.

"Even better, I will see what Manlisle's new son is doing," said Femward, pressing a button on the remote and switching from the bedroom camera to the kitchen camera, which showed Manfred, who had finished his rice and was boredly drumming his fingers on the kitchen bench.

"This is much more appropriate viewing," said Femward, before noticing that it was possible to hear moaning from upstairs in the background and muting the video.

"Shame," said Alice, "aren't you supposed to be at a Harry Potter convention?"

"YES, I AM PREPARING TO LEAVE," said Femward.

_So am I_, thought Alice, _so am I_.

"What's so important about the Harry Potter convention, though? I mean, everything you've done lately has been part of your evil plan, and you don't seem to be into taking time off from it or anything, so what's the deal?" asked Alice.

"I am going to find myself some followers to assist in my plan while at the convention!" said Femward.

"Yeah? And why exactly do you think that Harry Potter fans in particular will want to help with your plan? Does your plan involve wizard magic?" asked Alice.

"No, I just wanted an excuse to wear my Umbridge costume while scouting for followers," said Femward.

"Fair enough, I suppose," said Alice.

"Right. I'm leaving now. I'll leave your arms untied Manlisle and China come downstairs and start doing inappropriate things on the kitchen table, you'll be able to switch the screen off," said Femward.

"Cool," said Alice, her expression blank, although inside, she was grinning deviously as Femward had just provided her with a way to escape while he was gone.

* * *

The next morning China awoke to find that Manlisle and Manfred were gone. Since Mansper had left the day before, China figured that he would be able to spend the rest of the day in peace, catch up on some sleep, and maybe even go and visit some of his fellow countries, who he hadn't seen since shacking up with Manlisle. However, because fate and the author of this story are both very cruel, those plans were not to be realised.

"CARLISLE!" came a voice from outside. A female voice. Could it be Manlisle's lost love, Esme? China thought that this might be a possibility, and so he threw on some clothes and rushed down to the front door, where he found a girl — a _vampire_ girl — standing on the front porch.

"E-Esme~aru?" asked China.

"No," said the girl, "I'm Alice."


	6. I Can Make You a Man

Manlisle and Manfred had just arrived in their first destination — Japan.

"What are we going to do here? Become ninja samurais? Learn to wield a katana? Watch lots of anime?" Manfred asked as he and Manlisle walked through the streets of Tokyo.

"NO! We are going to eat fish!" said Manlisle.

"But… we could have easily done that in America, Manlisle," said Manfred.

"Oh, Manfred, this is not just any fish. THIS FISH IS A TEST OF MANLINESS!" Manlisle yelled, causing several people on the street to turn around and stare at him.

"How exactly is eating fish a test of manliness? Anyone can eat fish. Well, apart from vegetarians. And vegans. And people who are allergic to fish. And people who don't like the taste of fish, but I suppose they can still eat it, they just can't enjoy it," said Manfred.

"We are going to eat fugu fish, Manfred. It is a very poisonous fish, and if it is not prepared correctly, it can kill you," said Manlisle.

"I suddenly don't want to eat this fish," said Manfred.

"It's perfectly safe, Manfred. People eat it all the time in Japan, and it never kills them, except for when it does, which is sometimes," said Manlisle.

"I still don't feel comfortable with this idea," said Manfred.

"TOO BAD! We're here!" said Manlisle, walking into a restaurant on the side of the street.

Manfred followed Manlisle into the restaurant, where they were seated at a table.

"I will now use my impressive knowledge of the Japanese language to order us some fugu," Manlisle said, before turning to the waiter, "KONNICHIWA BAKA! BOKU WA KAWAII DESU! ONAME WA NAN DESU KA!"

"Um… I took Japanese for a year in high school, and I'm pretty sure you're doing it wrong," said Manfred.

"Fine! I will use the Google Translate app on my phone to place our order instead," said Manlisle.

* * *

Meanwhile, back in Forks, Alice was explaining to China how Edward had kidnapped her and how she had escaped.

"Wait, so he's bugged the entire house with hidden cameras~aru?" asked China.

"Yes. Don't worry, he's a bit of a prude and doesn't like watching… ah… personal things," said Alice.

"Even so, that's very creepy~aru," said China.

"Yeah. I can help you find all the cameras and disable them if you want," said Alice.

"That would be nice," said China.

"I just have one question for you — when you first saw me, you thought I was Esme. But… I don't look a thing like her. Does he not keep photos of her around the house? There was lots of family photos around here before I was kidnapped," said Alice.

"No, there aren't any photos of the family at all. The only ones that he keeps are of him and Jasper after they both started being really manly~aru," said China.

"Oh dear, he's gotten worse than I thought," said Alice.

"What do you mean~aru?" asked China.

"After Esme left, he… I… we… if only I could have been here to help him instead of getting kidnapped, it might have… Carlisle… has he gotten rid of all of the photos? Even the ones of him and Jasper _before_ they became manly men?" asked Alice.

"Yes, the only photos around here are very manly ones~aru," said China.

"Oh no… if he can't even bear to see photos of himself from that time… from when she was still… when they… oh my god…" said Alice.

"Alice~aru, you're not making any sense. I don't understand any of this~aru. Why did Esme leave? Why was it masculinity of all things that Carlisle became obsessed with~aru? And how the hell do we help him~aru?" asked China.

"I don't know the answer to the last two questions, and as for the first… I'm shocked that Carlisle hasn't told you, and although I know the answer, I think it'd be best for him to explain it to you himself," said Alice.

"Alright. I suppose there's nothing we can do until he gets home~aru, and who knows how long he'll be gone. All I know is that he's in Japan~aru — that sounds so wrong — I don't know where in the country he is or how to contact him~aru," said China.

"Yes, I guess waiting is the only thing we can do," said Alice.

* * *

Meanwhile, in Japan, the fugu fish that Manlisle and Manfred had ordered finally arrived at their table.

"I still don't trust this," said Manfred.

"You will not be a man until you eat this fish, Manfred," said Manlisle.

"Aren't you going to eat some?" asked Manfred.

"No, I'm a vampire. I can't digest human food," said Manlisle.

"Okay then," said Manfred, picking up the fish with his bare hands and biting into it.

"How does it taste?" asked Manlisle.

"It tastes," Manfred said, swallowing the piece of fish that he had been chewing and biting off another piece, "like fish."

"How unexpected for this fish to taste like a fish," said Manlisle.

"Yeah. It's actually pretty good," said Manfred.

"Well that's good," said Manlisle.

"So," Manfred said, his mouth still full of fish, "am I a man yet?"

"Nope. You still have many manly tasks that you must complete before you can be a man. This fish is but the first," said Manlisle.

"Oh. Well. Where's our next destination? Is it another part of Japan or another country entirely?" asked Manfred.

"Our next destination is…" Manlisle said.

"Yes?" asked Manfred.

"RUSSIA."

* * *

Meanwhile, Femward returned home to find that Alice was gone.

"SHIT!" he cursed, "I never should have untied her arms!"

"No shit Sherlock," said a fellow Umbridge-cosplayer who he had brought home with him.

Femward looked up at the screen to find that it only showed static. Using the remote, he changed over to one of the other cameras, and then another, and then another, and eventually all of them, only to find that not one of them was working.

"DRAT! She must have gone to the house after she escaped and used her knowledge of the cameras to disable them all!" said Femward.

"Yep, I figured," said his friend.

"Ah well, she knew not of MY PLAN, MUAHAHAHAHA! As long as she doesn't have any visions, Alice will not have thwarted me, MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" cackled Femward.

"Okay. Do you have any chips? I'm kinda hungry," said Femward's friend.

"Yes, yes, I have chips, but in the future please refrain from ruining the dramatic mood with such requests," said Femward.

"Yup, whatever," said the friend.

* * *

**Author's note**: two updates in one day. I don't think I've ever done that before. Anyway, a rough translation of what Manlisle says to the waiter would be "Hello, idiot! I am cute! What's your name?" which is not how you order a meal at all. Also, fugu is a real fish that is actually poisonous that they serve in Japan. There are also some restaurants in the USA, mostly in New York. I found that fact out from Wikipedia, and I'm not sure if they were referring


	7. Burning Man

China and Alice were watching a horror movie on the telly when Alice suddenly gasped.

"It wasn't that shocking of a twist~aru. I mean, it was obvious from the start that at least one of the main characters was secretly an alien in disguise, and it made the most sense for it to be the farmer's daughter~aru," said China.

"No, I just had a vision about where Jasper is — or will be, or maybe both, I don't know," said Alice.

"Where is he?" asked China.

"He's working at a bar in Atlanta, where he's disguised himself as an androgynous person and refuses to tell anyone whether he's a man or a woman," said Alice.

"That's… strange~aru," said China, "do you know what the bar is called? If you do, we can go there and find him~aru," said China.

"I saw the sign in the background, it was called something like… Tremblay's," said Alice.

"Okay, let's Google that~aru," said China, rushing upstairs to the computer, closely followed by Alice. After waiting for an eternity for the computer to turn on, China quickly typed _tremblay's atlanta_ in the search engine — which resulted in no relevant results.

"Try mentioning that it's a bar," said Alice.

"Good idea~aru," said China, typing _tremblay's bar atlanta_ into the search engine. Again, there were no relevant results, but there was a helpful tip asking him if he actually meant _twombly's bar atlanta_.

"That's it! Twombly's!" said Alice.

"You sure?" asked China.

"Yes, that's definitely it," said Alice.

"Okay, well, this site lists the address~aru," said China.

"Alright! Let's get going!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Manlisle and Manfred had just arrived in the Siberian wilderness in Russia.

"What are we doing here, Manlisle? I'm cold!" complained Manfred.

Even though they were both bundled up in winter clothes, both of them, Manfred in particular, were freezing.

"We're going to play strip poker!" said Manlisle, pulling a deck of cards out of his coat pocket.

"But it's so cold! And I don't know how to play poker! And there's about a thousand other reasons that that's a terrible idea!" said Manfred.

"You are not a man until you have been stark naked in the cold Russian wilderness, Manfred!" said Manlisle.

"Well, in that case, practically _nobody_ is a real man," said Manfred.

"That may be true, but you are my son now, and you must become a man. So, are there any other card games that you know? What about Speed?" asked Manlisle.

"No," said Manfred.

"Go Fish?"

"No."

"Snap?"

"No."

"Really? Well, Snap is easy, I'll teach you how to play it. And then the two of us will play strip Snap!" said Manlisle.

"That sounds like an awful idea," said Manfred.

"It sounds like a fantastically manly idea, Manfred. In fact, I would say that strip Snap is the manliest game of all! Actually, no, I think some of those sex games that I play with China are manlier. BUT STRIP SNAP IS THE MANLIEST GAME A MAN CAN PLAY WITH HIS SON WITHOUT BEING AN INCESTUOUS PEDOPHILE!" said Manlisle.

"If you shut up about all of the sex you like to have with China, I'll allow you to teach me how to play Snap," said Manfred.

* * *

Alice and China were on their way to Atlanta to find Mansper, completely unaware of the fact that there was an unexpected third passenger in the boot of their car. Edward had had his Umbridge-cosplayer follower, Janey, go to the Cullen house to watch over Alice and China while the cameras were disabled, and she decided to accompany them on their trip.

When the car unexpectedly stopped, Janey waited a moment before climbing out of the boot and into the back seat of the car, finding that it was empty and was parked outside of a petrol station. The key was still in the ignition, and so Janey climbed forward into the driver's seat and turned the car on. Having never driven before, Janey was a little unsure as to what to do, but nonetheless managed to drive the car down a side road and into a ditch where Alice and China would hopefully be unable to find it. She then crept back to the petrol station, and found that Alice and China were just leaving.

"Awesome, we've got enough gas in this barrel to refill the car three times," said Alice.

"Shì, that's—fuck~aru! The car's gone!" said China.

"Never mind, we can just steal another one," Alice said cheerfully.

In a bush on the side of the road, Janey cursed and tried to think of a way of following them to Atlanta.

* * *

Manlisle and Manfred were partway through their game of strip Snap.

"Snap!" Manfred yelled, slamming his hand down onto the pile of cards.

"Dammit," said Manlisle, taking off his pants. He was down to he frilly underwear, while Manfred, who was either very good at this game or very determined not to have to take his clothes off, had only taken off his scarf and one of his gloves.

"Nice undies," Manfred said sarcastically.

"Shut up. China bought them for me, because he thought I'd look really hot in them, and I do. Because I love him so much, I got rid of all of my other undies, so even when we're apart, even when I'm in the Siberian wilderness playing Snap with you, he knows that I'm either wearing this sexy pair of underwear… or none at all. And because he loves me so much, in return for me agreeing to wear these, he agreed to suck my—"

"OKAY STOP TALKING NOW PLEASE!" yelled Manfred.

"Oh, but I'm sure you want me to tell you how good China's mouth feels on—"

"NO I DO NOT AND TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THE INTIMATE DETAILS OF YOUR SEX LIFE BREAKS SEVERAL VERY IMPORTANT SOCIAL BOUNDARIES AND ALSO I ONLY AGREED TO PLAY THIS GAME IF YOU STOPPED SAYING THINGS LIKE THAT!" said Manfred.

"Okay, fine, let's keep playing. Although I can't get over how _wet_ and _warm _his mouth is, and his tongue is so—"

"I SAID STOP THAT!" said Manfred.

"I'm sorry. It's just hard to stop thinking about it when I start," said Manlisle.

They continued playing for a few moments, and then Manfred slammed his hand down on the pile of cards again.

"SNAP!" he yelled.

"God dammit!" cursed Manlisle.

"You don't have to take those off, actually," said Manfred.

"But I have to," said Manlisle.

"But I'd rather you didn't," said Manfred.

"I must remove my undies to preserve my manly honour!" said Manlisle.

"I'm pretty sure your _manly honour_ will freeze off if you take those off," said Manfred.

"Hey, that's actually a pretty good nickname for my—"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA A!" Manfred screamed as a cat ran out of the forest and attached itself to his face.

"Awwww, hey there kitty kitty," said Manlisle, doing absolutely nothing to detach the cat from Manfred's face, "I should take you home with me, shouldn't I? I bet China would like you. China likes cute things, and you, kitty kitty, are very cute indeed."

"IT'S CLAWING MY FACE OFF!" screamed Manfred, falling over and rolling down the slope that he and Manlisle had been sitting at the top of. Partway down the slope, the cat jumped off Manfred's face, and Manfred attempted to stop himself from rolling. Unfortunately, he was already moving too fast to stop, and kept rolling until he reached the base of the slope — and fell straight into the lake at the bottom.

"AHHHHH! OH MY GOD IT'S SO COLD!" shrieked Manfred. "ALSO I CAN'T SWIM!"

"I'LL SAVE YOU!" said Manlisle, running down the slope and into the lake, where he grabbed Manfred and swam him safely to the sure.

"THANKYOU MANLISLE! YOU SAVED MY LIFE! Wait, why are you naked?" asked Manfred, noticing that Manlisle had removed his pink undies.

"Because I lost our game of strip Snap, and a manly man accepts that he has lost and proudly suffers the consequences. Also, I really like being naked," said Manlisle.

"I… I don't know where to look," said Manfred, squeezing his eyes shut and hoping that the cat didn't come back and get him while he wasn't looking.

"MY IMPRESSIVE MANPACKAGE WOULD BE A GOOD PLACE TO LOOK!" roared Manlisle.

"No, it wouldn't," said Manfred.

"YES IT WOULD! CHINA LOVES MY IMPRESSIVE MANPACKAGE, AND DOES ALL SORTS OF PLEASURABLE THINGS WITH IT!" yelled Manlisle.

"I TOLD YOU TO STOP TALKING ABOUT SUCH THINGS!" said Manfred, covering his ears.

* * *

Author's note: shit, this is the third update today! I hope you enjoyed Manlisle's 'impressive manpackage' — although I'm sure you don't enjoy it as much as China does. Okay, I'll stop being a perv and leave you with this… I doubt I have time for another update today, so you will have to wait until tomorrow to read more of Manlisle's manly escapades.


	8. The Story of My Old Man

"My father," the bartender told his customer, "was always a good man."

The patron nodded.

"Mine too," he said, "until he met that whore Marianne and it all went downhill from there."

"I don't blame my dad's new lover for what happened, because he didn't come into the picture until later, when dad had a bit of an incident with the Chinese government. Also, Yao is really sweet, and I think it's good for dad to have someone like him around since Esme isn't here," said the bartender, being careful to use his father's lover's other name, lest the patron think it suspicious for a man from China to actually be _called_ China.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I've kept it bottled up inside for quite some time, but… I've been dying to tell this story to someone with a listening ear," said the bartender.

"Well, you'll be glad to know that I have two of those," said the customer.

"Yeah, well, my dad was a doctor. He still is, actually. The five of us — the six of us, really, if you count Bella — aren't actually his kids, but we're close enough that we might as well be. Bella was the only one who was… er… she was more fragile than the rest of us, yeah, and when she got in a car crash and was taken to the hospital, he knew he had to do something to save her. But this thing, it could have also killed her, but dad was, and still is, a medical professional, and he has to make these sorts of decisions on a regular basis — deciding if a certain procedure is too risky or not. This time, though, he made the wrong decision, and she died. My brother Fem—ah, Edward, he was devastated about her death that he went… a little bit nuts. Esme, my mother, couldn't take it any more, especially since the procedure that Carlisle did on Bella was sort of… controversial, not the sort of thing you should do in a hospital full of other medical professionals who would know something's not quite right, and she had a huge fight with dad, and then she left," said the bartender.

"Oh, that's rough. But this Yao chick, your father's new girl… is she hot?" asked the patron.

"Yao's a guy, although he doesn't really look it. And yeah, he is kinda hot. But that's not relevant to the story. Anyway, after Esme left… dad fell apart. The whole family did, really. Edward, he started crossdressing and went all weird, and then one day he left too. Rose and Emmett got fed up with everyone else being all depressed, and they also left. Then Alice… one day she just disappeared. I don't know if she left or if she was taken or what, I just don't know. But then dad stopped being depressed and started being… manly. Really manly. Obsessed with his own masculinity. He wanted me to be manly like him too, and we started doing manly things. Father and son stuff, really, but more extreme," said the bartender.

"How extreme?" asked the patron.

"The kind of extreme that causes incidents with the Chinese government. I think I mentioned earlier that that's how we met Chi—Yao. He's… um… he works for the Chinese government, yeah, and he got us out of trouble. He knew about the sort of people that we were, because he's… a different sort of person which is also different from the regular sort of person. I knew when we met him, as soon as I saw Carlisle's face when he looked at him that he'd fallen for Yao. It was the seem look that he used to get when he looked at Esme. In fact, we were basically ordered by the Chinese government to go back to the USA, but we stuck around so dad could win Yao over. He basically said that he wasn't going back to without him. It took weeks, but eventually we brought Yao back to Washington," said the bartender.

"So how hot is this Yao fellow? Describe him to me," said the patron.

"He's pretty and he has long dark hair, but that's really not relevant. Anyway, it was much nicer around the house with Yao there. He made dad happier, and that made me happier. Whenever dad and I would get home from out manly excursions, Yao would be making something for dinner, even though dad and I have… uh… certain dietary requirements… and the smell of food would be wafting pleasantly through the house. Oh, and he would sing while he cooked! He has such a lovely voice, China does. I mean Yao. But even he couldn't stop dad from being a huge jerk sometimes. And then there was the knitting competition… don't even ask, you don't want to know what went down there, but it was bad enough that I left too. I hadn't wanted to, because I'd hated the others for leaving, even though deep down I didn't hate them, because they're family, but… I didn't want to do that to Carlisle and Yao. I didn't want to do that to what was left of our family. But I had to, and I did," said the bartender.

"So, would you say that Yao looks a bit like Megan Fox?" asked the patron.

"No, he doesn't! And you're not being very helpful at all!" said the bartender.

"If you want helpful, I've got some advice for you — now most people say that my advice is rubbish and go on to do something completely different, but they're all dicks and I'm sorry I ever tried to help them. Now, my advice to you is this: go back, and show your dad and this Yao how much you care about them, because deep down, they're probably hurting too. That's why your dad hurt you with whatever the hell he did at the knitting competition. Your dad lost his wife and almost all of his children — one of them permanently — and Yao's probably not having the easiest time being the new male mother figure to a family that's been torn apart. You're all struggling, but it's a lot better when you're struggling together than it is when you're on your own. But let your dad know that he can't treat you like shit and expect you to be a clone of him. But you can't just run away from your problems, because eventually, they'll catch up with you — and it's better you face them as soon as you can," said the patron.

"Huh. I'll think about it," said the bartender.

"Well, it's best you don't think too long, otherwise it'll be too late," said the customer.

* * *

**Author's note**: and now you know what happened to Esme, and also what happened to Emmett and Rosalie, who have been mysteriously absent for the entire duration of the story. Just encase Jasper's explanation (yeah, he's the bartender) was a bit confusing due to the fact that he didn't want to let on to his random customer that he and his family are vampires and that China/Yao is a nation, I'll explain it properly: the 'medical procedure' that Carlisle performed on Bella was actually the act of turning her into a vampire. However, it went horribly wrong and killed her instead — or maybe the car crash killed her and the vampirification process just failed to revive her. Who knows?

Whatever Carlisle and Jasper did that caused an incident with the Chinese government was evidently something that it wouldn't make any sense for a human to be able to do. China felt the need to help them out since he is also not technically human, and probably knows what it's like to get into situations like that. And evidently China knew about vampires before he met Manlisle…


	9. Loving the Highway Man

Author's note: OKAY AHEM this chapter contains explicit sex scenes, and if thou art uncomfortable with that sort of thing, firstly _why the hell did you choose to read this fic when I warned you this was going to happen in the first chapter_ and secondly it might be best for you to skip the final segment of the story.

* * *

Outside, Alice was sitting in the front seat of the car, in the midst of a gripping vision — a vision about Femward's plan. As soon as the vision ended, she threw the car door open and was about to rush to the bar when something hit her in the back of the head. She blacked out.

Standing behind the now unconscious Alice and holding a heavy hunk of metal, Janey began to cackle. She did not know what Alice's vision had been about, but she knew that she had had one, and even that was dangerous to Femward's plan.

Grinning gleefully, Janey skipped away from the scene, discarding her piece of metal along the way.

* * *

Inside the bar, China downed the last of his drink and yawned.

"Time to leave~aru?" he asked sleepily. He had forgotten how tired he was. Even though Manlisle was gone, China hadn't really caught up on lost sleep.

"Sure," said Jasper, climbing over the counter and strolling out of the bar, China trailing behind him.

Out in the car park, they found Alice's body, unmoving on the concrete.

"SHIT!" roared Jasper. "HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?"

"I don't know~aru, maybe… uh~aru… we need to get her to a doctor~aru, but don't be silly China~aru any doctor would be baffled as to why she's so cold~aru we need to get her to a vampire doctor~aru but the only vampire doctor~aru — at least that I know of~aru — is Carlisle~aru, but he's in Japan~aru, and I can't say that without getting terrible mental images~aru but even so~aru we need to get her back to Forks~aru!" babbled China, his verbal tic getting out of control as he panicked.

"I'll drive," said Jasper, carefully loading Alice into the back seat of the car, "you sit in the back with her and make sure she isn't dead."

"She is dead~aru," said China.

"WHAT?" screamed Jasper.

"I mean she's a vampire~aru, which is technically not alive~aru," China corrected.

"Oh. Well then. Don't say things like that, you had me scared for a moment," said Jasper.

"Sorry~aru," said China, settling into the back seat.

"I am going to drive like a madman so if you start feeling sick, please take care not to vomit on Alice," said Jasper.

"I'll make sure of it~aru," said China, as Jasper began speeding down the road, his pace accelerating at an alarming rate.

They arrived at Forks in record time — China had been surprised when he and Alice had made it to Atlanta in just under a day, but the trip back took only a fraction of that time. Jasper carried Alice inside the house, followed by China, and they were surprised to find that Manlisle was home.

"Carlisle~aru," China gasped, "what are you doing home? Is Manfred here~aru?"

"No, I stranded him in Berlin because he was terribly unmanly," said Manlisle.

"Oh… well~aru… you need to help Alice! She's unconscious and we haven't a clue why~aru!" said China.

Manlisle paused to look Alice over.

"She's fine," he declared.

"Are you sure~aru?" asked China.

"Positive. It's actually a common condition," said Manlisle.

"What's the condition?" asked Jasper.

"EXTREME LUST FOR MANSEX!" yelled Manlisle, grabbing China and rushing upstairs with him.

"I'm going to assume that's your condition, not Alice's!" said Jasper.

* * *

Upstairs, Manlisle threw China down on the bed, probably with more force than needed, and climbed aboard the mattress himself. China sneezed a sneeze that was probably not appropriate in the midst of this sexy scene.

"YOU SNEEZED ON ME!" Manlisle bellowed.

"So~aru?" asked China.

"That was unacceptable," Manlisle said with a grin, "and you need to be punished."

"Really? And what would be a suitable punishment for the vile offence of _sneezing_~aru?" asked China as Manlisle took off his shirt, slowly, as China was still rather weirded out my his vampire speed.

"I am going to have to ravish you," said Manlisle, kissing China on the throat, which is probably actually a very awkward thing to have done to you.

"That's not really punishment, though, because I want that~aru," said China.

"Well then," said Manlisle, suddenly rather eloquent, "I'll abandon my task of punishing you and set about pleasuring you."

Manlisle tugged China's pants off, then his own, and then set about removing any stray bits of clothing that had escaped his notice.

China lay back, admiring Manlisle's masculine beauty, and Manlisle leaned forward to plant a series of kisses on China's body, starting with his toes and slowly working his way upward. By the time he reached China's mouth, Manlisle was pretty much straddling his beautiful lover. As he gently fondled China's tongue with his own, he began moving his body so that their crotches were being pressed together, causing the longhaired nation to moan in pleasure. China wrapped his legs around Manlisle's waist, pushing their bodies even closer together. Manlisle's right hand trailed lightly over China's chest, fingers stroking as they went, and his left hand gently squeezed his behind. China moaned even louder at this and then, gracefully but unexpectedly, in one swift motion Manlisle freed China's long, silky hair of its hairtie, flipped the nation over so he was lying on his front, and thrust himself inside of him.

China wailed loudly and began moving his hips in the same rhythm as Manlisle, who reached around China's body to gently touch between his slim, feminine legs.

China moaned and panted, his hands gripping at the bed sheets. Although neither he nor Manlisle were human, the sexual prowess of their respective species differed immensely. While both vampires and nationals were almost eternally youthful, it seemed that only vampires also functioned as sex gods. _Or maybe it isn't a vampire thing~aru_, China thought, even though thinking at this point was almost impossible, _maybe it's just a Carlisle thing~aru_.

Manlisle gave one last thrust and then waited a moment before pulling himself out of China, who collapsed onto the bed, spent and exhausted. Manlisle pulled the blanket up over his lover's petite body, and was about the leave when China grabbed his arm.

"Stay~aru," he commanded, lightly pulling Manlisle down onto the bed.

Manlisle lay down beside China, who rested his head on his lover's manly chest, wrapped his arms around him, and promptly fell asleep. Manlisle kissed his sleeping lover on the forehead and then settled down to watch him sleep, which was not creepy at all because at this point they are in a romantic and sexual relationship and also China was aware of Manlisle's presence when he fell asleep.

* * *

**Author's note**: can a vampire be knocked out by a blow to the head? Probably not, but let's not pretend that this story made any sense to begin with. I have this sinking feeling that when it's done I'm going to realise that there's some major plothole in it…

One thing I find really weird about the USA is that it's so massive. The real reason that I make these characters drive across the country like maniacs is not because they're reckless vampires, but because my brain cannot comprehend a car trip needing to take that long.

Oh, and Jasper has officially ceased to be Mansper, thus the narration no longer refers to him as such.

(Just casually not mentioning that sex scene…) (I mean it's not like people can see inside these brackets or anything…)

Also would China say 'aru' in his thoughts? Well, I did some research (this sort of fic is not the type that you do a great deal of research for, but still) and looked over the comics in which Korea uses Japan's mind-reading binoculars on China, and actually, he does. So there we go.


	10. The Man Who Sold the World

**Author's note**: I am beyond sorry for not updating this sooner, especially since I had promised to keep going on an update-a-day schedule. I'm sure that you all thought that the mansex scene that happened at the end of the last chapter was too mansexy for me and I manploded, but in actual fact, I've just been really lazy. I promise that the story will be finished by Christmas, though.

* * *

Alice awoke with a gasp. It had been decades since she had last woken up, since it had been exactly as long since she had last needed to sleep.

"What… what happened?" she asked.

"What happened~aru? You were knocked out somehow, but we're not really sure," said China, who was sitting nearby.

"Where's… did you find Jasper?" asked Alice.

"Oh, yes. JASPER~ARU! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE, ALICE IS AWAKE~ARU!" called China, and within seconds, Jasper was standing beside him.

"Alice! Alice! You're alive!" exclaimed Jasper.

"She was alive the whole time, you know~aru. Nobody ever gets this concerned about my welfare when I fall asleep… or when I'm suffering from a _lack_ of sleep due to all of the sex that Carlisle wants to have," China said. Despite his words, his face showed that he was genuinely thrilled that Alice was okay.

"Did somebody say MANSEX?" asked Manlisle, rushing into the room.

"Perhaps~aru," said China, "but more importantly, Alice is awake!"

"That's fantastic! I love all of my children very much and am always concerned for their welfare! However, China, how dare you imply that something is more important than mansex?" asked Manlisle.

"Uh~aru… I was actually—"

"NO EXCUSES! I WILL HAVE TO EDUCATE YOU FURTHER ON THE SUBJECT OF MANSEX!" said Manlisle, throwing China over his shoulder and bounding up the stairs.

"Well then," said Jasper, "how are you feeling, Alice?"

"Fine, I just—oh. Oh no," said Alice.

"What is it?" asked Jasper.

"I just remembered the vision I was having before I was knocked out! It was about Femward's plan!" cried Alice.

"The plan that involved him kidnapping you?" asked Jasper.

"Yes! I finally know what the plan is!" said Alice.

"And what is it?" asked Jasper.

"He is planning on turning everyone in the world into women!" said Alice.

"But… that's not possible, is it?" asked Jasper.

"Oh, it is. I saw it in my vision. The future… if everyone is the same gender, nobody will be able to reproduce, and humans will die out, leaving only immortals like vampires and countries… but with no people, the countries will start to die off too, and then there will only be vampires… but with no people to turn into new vampires, it's only a matter of time until all of the vampires kill each other… and then there will be nobody left…" said Alice.

"Well shit. We need to stop him!" said Jasper.

"He's built a machine, and I think that's what he's going to use to turn everyone into women… either that or it's a soda dispenser, I couldn't really tell. If we can get to his lair and dismantle it, perhaps we can save the world!" said Alice.

"That sounds like a plan. Should we tell dad and China?" asked Jasper.

"I think we should. They can help — or in dad's case, hinder us in the manliest way possible. CARLISLE! GET YO ASS DOWN HERE!" yelled Alice.

"NO! I AM MANFUCKING MY UKE RIGHT NOW!" came Manlisle's voice from upstairs.

"UNLESS YOU WANT TO TURN INTO A WOMAN, YOU WILL GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!" yelled Alice.

This seemed to have the right effect on Manlisle, and within seconds he was downstairs.

"Okay, let me tell you the—go put some pants on," said Alice.

"Pants only serve to hide my enormous man assets!" said Manlisle.

"Um…"

"THE WORLD WOULD BENEFIT FROM WITNESSING SUCH GLORIOUS MAN ASSETS AS MINE!" yelled Manlisle.

"Yeah, um, I'm sort of your _daughter_, and I really don't need to see that," said Alice.

"Fine, I will go and put some pants on," said Manlisle.

"Good. Get China as well, he needs to hear about this too.

* * *

"…and that's what happened in my vision," said Alice.

"That is so horrifying," said Manlisle.

"I know~aru. To think that Edward's crazy sex change machine will cause the extinction of the human race!" said China.

"No, I was actually talking about the fact that he can turn me — MANLY MANLY ME! — into a woman. The death of all of humanity is also kind of a bummer, though," said Manlisle.

"That's why we have to stop him! We just need to go to his lair and destroy his machine!" said Alice.

"We should probably also kill him so he can't make another machine," said Manlisle.

"Perhaps~aru," said China.

"I think that killing him would be the best idea," said Manlisle.

"First things first, we need to save the world~aru! Alice, you've been to his lair, haven't you? Can you take us there~aru?" asked China.

"Yes, I know exactly where it is. Femward is probably at another Harry Potter convention looking for followers — I'm not entirely sure why he thinks that he'll find nutters who want to turn the whole world into women at Harry Potter conventions, but that's where he goes — so if we go there right now, we'll be able to destroy the machine before he gets back," said Alice.

"Okay, let's go," said Jasper.

* * *

Alice stopped the car and jumped out, the other three following after her. She had brought them to a park in Seattle, and her manic driving had shortened the trip from a few hours down to forty five minutes.

"This is it," she said, gesturing towards a rubbish bin.

"Femward lives in a garbage can?" asked Manlisle.

"No, this is just then entrance to the lair," said Alice, jumping into the bin.

The others looked at the bin, confused expressions on their faces.

"Come on! Get in!" came Alice's voice, sounding as if it was far below the ground.

"Okay~aru," China said reluctantly climbing into the bin. He found himself falling, and grabbed onto the only thing that he could reach, which turned out to be a pole. He slid the rest of the way down and stopped at the bottom for a moment, only to have Manlisle and Jasper slide down on top of him.

"Aiyaaaa! Get off me~aru!"

"Sorry, I can't see."

"I said get off me!"

"I did."

"Oh. CARLISLE, YOU GET OFF ME TOO!"

"But… I like being on you."

"Well you're crushing my spine~aru!"

"Fine, I'll move."

"Shit it's dark down here."

"I think I found the light switch!"

Alice flicked a switch and suddenly the room was illuminated. In the centre of the room was the machine that she had foreseen.

"Here it is! Let's tear it apart!" said Alice, and she, Manlisle and Jasper rushed toward the machine and started smashing it up.

China, who did not have super vampire strength, just stood there awkwardly and watched them. He was still watching them when something cold hit him in the foot.

"Huh? Oh, cool, a can of coke~aru," said China.

He thought about it for a moment.

"Wait a second~aru…"

"What is it, China?" Alice asked, still tearing away at the machine.

"I think this can of coke just rolled out of the machine~aru," said China, holding up the coke for Alice to see.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Everybody looked up to see where the maniacal laughter had come from, just in time to see Femward stepping out of the shadows.

"Oh, I shouldn't laugh. The three of you just destroyed my soda machine, and it'll cost me quite a bit of money to replace it. But then again, you _did_ confuse a simple drinks machine for one capable of turning everybody on earth into a woman, so I think it's fair to laugh at you. MUAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Edward.

"Wait… this isn't the gender changing machine?" asked Manlisle.

"Of course not, there's no such thing as a gender changing machine. What a preposterous idea!" cried Femward.

"So you're not planning on making everyone into a woman~aru?" asked China.

"Oh, I am, just not with a machine. Really, a gender changing machine? I cannot get over how ridiculous that is," said Femward.

"So how are you going to do it, then?" asked Alice.

"USING MAGIC!" shrieked Femward.


	11. The Man Comes Around

The silence was broken by Manlisle's laugh.

"There's no such thing as magic, you moron!" he chuckled.

"Oh, but there is," Femward said smugly.

"Dad, I think he's right," said Alice.

"NONSENSE! If there was such a thing as magic, a manly man like myself surely would have heard about it by now," said Manlisle.

"No, Carlisle, think about it~aru. Alice had a vision in which everyone was turned into girls somehow, and if it wasn't the machine that did it, then it must be another way, so why not magic~aru?" asked China.

"I'm still sceptical," said Manlisle.

"EVEN IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN MAGIC, YOU WILL BELIEVE IN IT WHEN I TURN YOU INTO A WOMAN, MUAHAHAHAHAHA! JANEY, BRING OUT MY LITTLE FRIEND!" said Femward.

"Yes, sir!" said Janey, who had been standing behind Femward the whole time, rushing off to somewhere else in the underground complex.

"Little friend, eh? That sounds like a euphemism for something!" said Manlisle, chuckling to himself.

"Manlisle, this is neither the time nor the place for such comments," Femward said through gritted teeth.

"But that's just the thing, son — actually, no, I take that back, you're no son of mine any more — I can do whatever I want whenever I want. I could rip China's clothes off and fuck him right in front of you if I wanted to," said Manlisle.

"Oh no you couldn't~aru," said China.

"Shut up, I'm trying to make a point here. You see, Femward, I am Manlisle, and even if you turn me into a woman, I will always be a man," said Manlisle.

"That doesn't make any sense at all," said Alice.

"She's right~aru," said China.

"Look, Manlisle, you're going crazy. You've become obsessed with your own manliness, but the moment when you will be stripped of that manliness is rapidly approaching," said Femward.

"NOOOOO!" cried Manlisle, lunging at Femward, but before he could do anything, Femward pulled a tiny remote control out of his pocket and pressed a button on it. Suddenly several metal gates descended from the ceiling, dividing the room into four — Alice and Jasper were stuck in one section of the room, Manlisle in another and China in yet another, while Femward was alone in the section that housed that pole that the others had slid down on, the broken drinks machine and the entrance to the corridor that Janey had disappeared down.

"Sorry about that, I just had to make sure that you didn't try to stop me," said Femward, grinning at Manlisle through the bars of the metal gate.

Manlisle, Alice and Jasper immediately tried breaking the metal bars the restrained them, while China just stood where he was. Amidst the clanging of the bars and the frustrated noises that the vampires were making, he thought he heard a voice, a _familiar_ voice, a voice that was saying something along the lines of "get your bloody hands off of me, I can walk by myself."

"That voice…" China murmured.

The only person to notice that China had spoken was Alice, who paused what she was doing to look at him, a puzzled expression on her face.

"Voice?" she asked confusedly.

Just then, Janey strode out of the side corridor, followed by the owner of the voice that China had noticed — a man with fair hair, green eyes and the most ridiculous eyebrows that China had ever seen.

"England~aru!" China exclaimed.

"China?" England asked. "What the hell are you doing here? And what are you _wearing_? You look even more like a woman than usual."

China looked down at the little red qipao he was wearing. When he had put it on, he hadn't been intending to leave the house in it, and circumstances hadn't allowed him to change his clothes before leaving for Seattle.

"Never mind, it doesn't matter why you're wearing that. What are you doing here? None of the other nations have seen you in ages — have you been down here the whole time?" asked England.

"No, I've really only been here for a matter of minutes~aru. But what about you? What nefarious plan does Femward have for you?" asked China.

"HE IS INSTRUMENTAL TO MY PLOT! SO GET YOUR HANDS OFF HIM, CHINA!" shrieked Femward.

"Aiyaa! My hands are nowhere near—"

"CHINA GET YOUR HANDS OFF EYEBROWS GUY! If any hand interaction concerning you occurs at all, it will involve my hands interacting with that cute little ass of yours," said Manlisle.

England raised one of his majestic eyebrows at China.

"I see you've gotten yourself a boyfriend," he said.

"Shut up~aru. I see you've somehow made yourself instrumental to this nut job's crazy plan~aru," said China.

"MY PLAN, MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" Femward shrieked.

"Do you have to do that every time anyone mentions your plan?" asked Alice.

"No, but I choose to anyway. But now it is time for me to explain my plan to all of you, because what sort of nefarious villain would I be if I didn't do that?" asked Femward.

"Probably a successful one," commented Manlisle.

"SHUT UP! Now, most of you probably know my father, Carlisle, and his obsession with manliness," began Femward.

"I don't," commented England.

"WELL YOU SUCK THEN! SHUT UP AND LET ME TELL THE STORY! Anyway, I grew tired of his ridiculous obsession, and found myself enamoured with the other side of the spectrum — it was womanliness that fascinated me. I also found myself fascinated with magic — all my life I had been told that such a thing didn't exist, but during my human life I had been told that vampires did not exist… anyway, I was proved correct when, after a lot of careful research, I discovered Eyebrows Guy," said Femward.

"I have a name, you know," said England.

"Shut up, I'm not finished. Anyway, I'm not entirely sure who he is, but I would assume that he is some sort of wizard—"

"—no I'm not—"

"—since I finally found him at a _Harry Potter_ convention in this very city," said Femward.

"What exactly were you doing at a Harry Potter convention in Seattle~aru?" China asked England.

"Absolutely none of your business, China," said England.

"SHUT YOUR FACES!" Femward cried in frustration.

Everyone was silent.

"Now, since Eyebrows Guy is a skilled wizard, he will assist me with casting a spell to turn all of the people in the world into women!" said Femward.

"That is not my name, I am not a wizard, and I will not help you with that!" said England.

Femward did not reply, instead pressing another button on the his tiny remote which caused the floor to slowly descend. The metal gates did not move down with the stone floor, and Manlisle dived underneath the one separating him and Femward and lunged at his ex-son — only to bounce back before even touching him.

"Ha! We are deep within my dungeons now — I protected this place with magic, so as long as I concentrate, I too will be protected by a magical shield!" laughed Femward.

Manlisle scowled and, knowing that attempting to attack Femward again was futile, he wandered over to where China was standing.

"Hey~aru," China said as he gently grabbed Manlisle's hand.

"Hey," said Manlisle, sitting down on the cold ground and pulling China into a sitting position too, "are you okay?"

"Not really~aru. If things play out the way they did in Alice's vision, then we're all going to die. A nation cannot survive without its people, and people can't survive as a species for very long with only one gender~aru," said China.

"Wait a second, China," said England, kneeling down beside his fellow nation, "think about Prussia: he doesn't have any people or even a landmass any more and he still exists somehow."

"But what about all of the other countries that died out? Out of all of them, Prussia is the only one that survived, and even if I am like him and manage to live, all of my people and most of the other countries will be dead~aru!" said China.

Manlisle glared at Femward, disgusted that his own son had upset his darling China. He was also rather annoyed at the fact that Femward was going to bring about the extinction of the human race, but seeing China so distressed made Manlisle forget about the rest of the unfortunate predicament. He wished that he could do something to cheer China up, or at least distract him. Perhaps he could.

Manlisle wrapped his arms around the smaller man and kissed him on the lips, gently pushing him down onto the floor and knocking England over in the process.

"Hey! What—"

"STOP THAT IMMEDIATELY!" Femward interrupted England's complaint with his own louder, screechier one. "I AM VERY SQUEAMISH WHEN IT COMES TO PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION AND OTHER DISGUSTING THINGS!"

"Pffft, that's just because you couldn't control yourself enough to do that sort of thing with Bella without killing her," said Alice, "however, Manlisle, if you're actually planning on fucking China here and now, please reconsider."

"I wasn't actually planning on doing that, but now that you mention it…" said Manlisle.

"Don't~aru," said China.

"YES! DON'T! Or would you say, _no, don't_? Because I'm agreeing with you, but you were telling him not to… never mind. YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO ENGAGE IN MANLY MANSEX WHEN YOU ARE TURNED INTO A WOMAN! SO HA!" cried Femward.

"So, Femward," said Manlisle, "I hear you don't like gross things."

"That is correct. I believe I just told you that before," said Femward.

"Well…" Manlisle said mischievously, squeezing his eyes shut.

"What are you doing? If only my shield didn't block people's thoughts as well as protect me!" said Femward.

Manlisle opened his eyes — or rather, opened his eyelids, only to have the crushed remains of his eyes fall out of their sockets.

"SURPRISE!" he yelled.

"OH MY GOD THAT IS DISGUSTING~ARU!" yelled China, who only just avoided being hit by Manlisle's left eye.

"HOW THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT?" asked Jasper.

"I used my strong manly eyelids to crush my soft squishy eyeballs. It's okay, since I'm a vampire, I can heal and so they'll grow back!" said Manlisle gleefully.

"THAT IS STILL EXTREMELY GROSS~ARU!" cried China, scrambling as far as he could away from the crushed eyes on the floor.

Femward was on his knees, gagging and retching, but due to the fact that he was a vampire and had no food in his stomach, he was unable to throw up.

"I think I can hear someone trying to vomit, which reminds me — since I can't process human food, I have a _lot_ of partially digested mooncakes in my stomach!" said Manlisle, shoving his manly manfinger down his throat to force himself to vomit up all of the mooncakes that he had ever eaten.

"CARLISLE~ARU! Why are you doing this?" asked China, terrified that Manlisle had lost his shit and gone insane.

Meanwhile, Femward was still gagging and retching, but now he could feel something moving up his throat, which couldn't be good at all, seeing as he hadn't eaten anything for nearly a century. With one last heave, he expelled whatever-it-was from his mouth, and looked down to see what it was.

It was his stomach.

"This is so creepy~aru!" wailed China, cowering behind England, who was staring open-mouthed at the scene in front of him, completely baffled by the absurd grossness of it all.

"China…" whispered Manlisle.

"What~aru?" asked China, not even daring to look at the eyeless face that he knew was 'looking' at him.

"He's not concentrating…" said Manlisle.

"What?" asked China.

"Femward needed to concentrate for his shield to work. He'll be too distracted now…" whispered Manlisle.

China understood. Silently, he got up and rushed across the room to where Femward was, almost tripping over on the bloody stomach on the floor, and kicking the feminine vampire in the abdomen.

"AAAAGAGGHHHH!" cried Femward, trying to concentrate on reactivating his shield. However, he was in too much pain and too freaked out to do it.

Alice and Jasper seemed to realise what was happening, and rushed over to Femward and began tearing him apart. China, who didn't have vampire strength like they did, stepped back and allowed them to take over.

"To kill a vampire, you need to rip them apart and set them on fire," said Alice, "does anyone have a lighter?"

"I DO!" said England, pointing his finger at Femward's remains, and suddenly the broken body burst into blames.

"Whoa, England, you're a wizard~aru!" exclaimed China.

"I am _not_ a wizard," said England.

Suddenly, the floor which had been descending the whole time came to a halt, and China looked around to find that one wall branched off into a tunnel.

"Hmmm, what's down there~aru? England, come here, I need your fire magic to light the way," he said.

China and England crept down the dark tunnel which was barely illuminated by the random piece of paper that England had lit until they came to a room at the end of the tunnel. In the room was a woman, shackled to the wall.

"Oh my god… ALICE! JASPER! PERHAPS CARLISLE IF YOUR EYES HAVE GROWN BACK~ARU! GET YOUR ASSES DOWN HERE AND DO SOMETHING TO HELP THIS WOMAN!" exclaimed China.

Alice, Jasper and Manlisle, whose eyes had grown back, rushed down the tunnel to the room. While Alice and Jasper were shocked speechless by the woman, Manlisle was able to gasp her name.

"ESME!"

* * *

**Author note**: dunn dunnnn dunnnnn! I said this was going to be eleven chapters, but I'm actually going to extend it to twelve because it's getting a tad long. Also, I felt like leaving you on a cliffhanger.

Anyway, since I decided to add magic into the mix, I thought the story would benefit from some England. Him being a character in this wasn't planned at all. I also thought the story would benefit from regurgitated stomachs and eye gore, because I am just a pleasant person like that.


	12. Wo Ai Ni

At the sight of his wife, Manlisle was filled with many different emotions — relief that she was still alive, horror that she was in Femward's dungeon, and all sorts of worries. What had Femward done to her? How long had she been there? Would she want him back? Would he have to choose between her and China?

"Keep those humans back — I haven't had any blood since I've been down here!" warned Esme.

"Humans? Oh, China and Eyebrows Guy. They're not humans. China's a country and Eyebrows Guy is some sort of wizard," explained Jasper.

"I am _not_ a wizard! I am the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland!" said England.

"Oh, hey, Carlisle's from you," laughed Esme. She hadn't laughed in ever so long.

"Yeah, but he's Manlisle now," said Alice.

"Am I? I don't think I am any more. I'm done with being Manlisle," said **Carlisle**.

"What's a Manlisle?" asked Esme.

"It's like a Carlisle but manlier. Manlisle pulverizes trees and knits with his veins and has all sorts of kinky mansex with China," said Jasper.

Esme was about to criticize her husband for sleeping with other people while they were still married — or 'having kinky mansex,' whatever that meant — but then she realised that she _had_ left him. She'd been on her way back to Forks to apologize for overreacting when Femward had kidnapped her — he had had her down in his dungeon ever since. _Besides_, she thought, _that China girl is very pretty_.

"Where _is_ China, anyway? He was here just then, but he seems to have gone," said England.

_He?_

"He can't have gotten far. I'll go look for him," said Carlisle.

He got up and walked out of the tunnel into the main room, where he found China sitting with his back to one of the stone walls.

"Hey, are you alright?" asked Carlisle.

"I'm fine~aru. We saved the world, how could I not be fine?" asked China.

"You're crying," said Carlisle.

"No I'm not," China lied, wiping his eyes with his sleeve.

"Hypothetically, if you _were_ crying, why would that be?" asked Carlisle.

"It would be because I've made a decision so you don't have to~aru," said China.

"What decision?" asked Carlisle.

"I've decided to leave you so you don't have to choose between Esme and I~aru. Also… I fell in love with Manlisle, a man who was obsessed with his own masculinity and was tearing himself apart, and although he would never admit it, he needed me to help him turn himself back into Carlisle~aru. But now you _have_ decided to become Carlisle again, so you don't need me any more~aru," said China.

"China, I—"

"I made that decision so you don't have to. Please, don't try to change my mind, because you'll probably succeed and it will end in us all being a lot more hurt than we need to be. I'm a country. I need to _be_ a country again, and I can't do that if I stay in Forks with you~aru," said China.

"I… I really enjoyed our time together, China," said Carlisle.

"As did I," said China.

"Remember me," said Carlisle.

"I will," said China.

China would have walked away, but he had to wait for the others to get out of the tunnel room, Alice and Jasper barely restraining Esme from lunging at the non-vampires, before he could press the button and begin the painfully slow ascent to the surface. He had entered Femward's lair as Manlisle's lover, never even dreaming that he would no longer be that when he returned.

* * *

It was a year to the day since Edward had died, but Carlisle wouldn't even have known that if Emmett and Rosalie hadn't insisted on going to the cemetery to visit his grave. They had left before he had gone insane, and remembered him as a good, albeit slightly creepy, brother, and wanted to honour that memory. The day was significant to Carlisle in a completely different way — it was exactly one year since he had last seen China. The pretty, darkhaired nation had left his things behind, and Esme had helped Carlisle pack them into a box to give back to him if they ever saw him again. Now, Carlisle opened the box and looked at China's possessions. He picked up China's phone, which was miraculously still charged, and looked at the last text message it had sent~

_You left your keys at home! I might not be home this evening so I'll bring them in to the hospital so you're not locked out. Love you!_

Carlisle felt a tear on his cheek. He had loved China, and he missed him. He loved Esme too, and was glad she was back. He had never known that it was possible to love two people like that, but it was.

Looking through the contacts on China's phone, he came across one named _my other number_. Was it another phone of China's? Was it one that he was still in possession of? Was it a way to contact him? Carlisle held his breath as he called the number. It was six o'clock in the evening in Forks, so it should be ten in the morning the next day in Beijing, which is where Carlisle had met China, so probably where he lived.

"Nihao~aru. Who is this?" China's voice asked.

"China! This isn't China, you're China, I just said your name because it's good to hear you. This is Carlisle."

"Carlisle~aru! How unexpected to get a call from you at two in the morning~aru!" said China.

"Two in the morning? Shouldn't it be ten where you are? I wouldn't have called if I knew I would be waking you," said Carlisle.

"Oh, you tried to call at a suitable time! How thoughtful~aru! However I am in England right now, and it's two in the morning," said China.

"You mean England the country, right? Not England the Eyebrows Guy, right?" asked Carlisle.

"No, I mean I'm currently on the landmass~aru," said China, "however, if you'd called a few hours ago, I would have been in both."

At that, Carlisle dropped the phone. He picked it up, hoping that he hadn't broken it.

"Hello? You still there?" asks Carlisle.

"Yes~aru," said China.

"Well… wow. I don't know what's more surprising — that you're with Eyebrows Guy or that he let you top him," said Carlisle.

Carlisle swore he could _hear_ China rolling his eyes.

"Well, Manlisle, we have a very versatile relationship~aru," said China.

"It's Carlisle," said Manlisle.

"Oh. Of course~aru," said China, his voice sounding rather sad.

"You know, China, if you hadn't left…" Carlisle said, his voice trailing off.

"You would have chosen Esme, and we all would have been a lot more hurt than we needed to be~aru," said China.

"No, China. You don't know that. I don't know if I could have chosen between the two of you. Maybe I wouldn't have had to. We could have had a lot of sexy threesomes. We still could. If you want, Eyebrows Guy could get involved too," said Carlisle.

China laughed. "Don't tempt me~aru."

"I love you, China," said Carlisle.

"Wo ai ni, Carlisle~aru," said China.

"I don't speak Chinese," said Carlisle.

"Look it up~aru. I'm tired, so I might hang up now, but…"

"You'll consider my offer?" asked Carlisle.

"Perhaps, although I doubt England or Esme will be particularly pleased with your _offer_~aru," said China.

"Alright. Goodbye, China," said Carlisle.

"Bye~aru," said China, and hung up.

Carlisle grabbed his own phone out of his pocket and opened the Google Translate app that he hadn't used since ordering fugu for Manfred over a year ago. Carlisle wondered what had happened to his temporary 'son' after he'd stranded him in Berlin, but didn't care a great deal. Carlisle carefully typed _wo ai ni_ into the translator and translated it from Chinese to English. When he saw the translation, he couldn't help but smile.

_I love you_.

* * *

**Author's note**: wow, this chapter was a lot more serious (and far less manly!) than all of the others. And yay for implied future foursomes which I will not be writing, unless I somehow become even more of a perv than I already am. Oh, and the whole England/China thing was not planned at all — I came up with it literally seconds before writing the _I would have been in both_ line, because I am just a spontaneous person like that. Anyway, this is the end, so… one usually ends people by saying _the end_. So~

The End.


End file.
